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Summer Movies 2012; Yes another breakdown

Hey, heard anything about Summer Movies yet?  Me neither.  So I thought why not do a quick list of recommendations because with HD and the web it really takes some extra oomph for a movie to be worth seeing.

Level I.  Movies I will actually see in Theaters.

Don’t forget what it takes to see a movie in NYC in 2012.  I first have to watch as the Mrs. googles the proposed theater to see if they have had any recent cases of documented bed bugs.  Once the location has been deemed clean of burrowing insects we move onto debating how early we need to arrive for the actual movie.  For a movie in its first weekend expect to arrive three days earlier and live in your mock tent city surviving only on pretzel bites and cheese dip.  Then when you actually get seated pray it is not next to the group of high school students who will text from their neon bright phones if seated ahead of you or discuss how much ass they are getting if seated behind you.  So as we can see the movies in this list better be worth it.

1. The Dark Knight Rises

I watched The Dark Knight on HBO so often that it became shorthand for when the Mrs. wanted to describe to others about how I control the television with an iron fist.  “What have we been doing recently?  You mean besides the Dark Knight?” was often overheard at social events from her.

2. Prometheus

Easily the best promotional campaign of the summer, and finally a thriller that doesn’t feel like a spinoff of the Human Centipede.

3. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

A great book often means a terrible movie, but in this case I want to go against the grain.

Level II.  Movies I need to provide a reason for us to watch on Cable

1. Avengers

Honey remember when we saw Iron Man on the plane and you really enjoyed it?  Well this is just like that movie.  Yeah Thor is in this movie too.  Yes we saw it on PPV.  I know you hated it, but this is different.  The Hulk is in it!  The big green guy.  Let’s just start it for the first five minutes and if you hate it we can turn it off.

2. Rock of Ages

Honey imagine how bad Tom Cruise sounds when he sings?  Yeah in that movie.  It is actually on HBO.  Me?  I mean I could watch it if you want.  Alec Baldwin is in it, so it has that going for it.  Why don’t we watch the first five minutes and see how bad it is.  Worst case scenario we can make fun of it.

3. Battleship

Rihanna’s songs are all beginning to sound the same to me.  Not sure if that means I am getting older or she is paying less for songs.  That movie?  Battleship.  It did ok at the box office.  Want to see it?  How about we watch the first five minutes and play Scrabble pass and play at the same time?

Level III. Movies I already feel are lost causes.

1. The Amazing Spider-Man

We need another Spider-Man as much as E! needs another Kardashian spin-off on its air.  Just as excited for this as I would be for Rob & Kris takes over Tarzana.

2. The Bourne Legacy

Shaky cam + Locations + Yelling Plots (WHERE IS TREADSTONE?  ARE YOU TREADSTONE?  WHO IS TREADSTONE?) – Matt Damon = nothing new.

3. Men in Black III

Money Grab III, but Barry Sonnenfeld is still a genius.

So grab a large popcorn and a map of the bed bug free theaters in your areas and enjoy.

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