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Little Miss Supreme Pizza

It is every dad’s dream to turn their daughter into a sexual animal by the age of 3, and that is why I appreciate the TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras. Sandwiched between episodes of Sister Wives and Police Women of Cincinnati is a show totally devoted to obese moms and latent dads.

I like to sit during commercials and imagine the great day when I get to bring my young daughter Betty on the show…

Me: Betty has competed in over 20 pageants, and has about 12 crowns isn’t that right angel? But we have yet to win the big one, and I think it has to do with discrimination. Betty is the first 3 year old to weigh over 100 lbs and compete, and we couldn’t be prouder. Show Daddy your sass! How much have I spent? Well let’s just say I coulda gone to Sandals Jamaica every year with how much I spend. It’s all worth it to fill the dark space inside my own childhood. Ain’t that right Betty? You gonna haunt Daddy’s dreams? Her new talent we are working on is her performance of scenes from You’ve Got Mail. Daddy is Tom Hanks and Betty is my pre-botox Meg Ryan. Betty stop eating sugar out of the fridge with a spoon! My Wife doesn’t support me, but she never believed in the raw power I saw in Betty. She thinks Betty should be a “normal kid”. So when you don’t have a Tiger Mom you replace it with a Bear Dad. Grrrr. Ain’t that right Betty? Show me your growl.

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